Crossroads

We were eating tacos when he told me. Our home would be here, in this town, unless God led us away. He wouldn’t look for a job elsewhere. He was putting aside pursuing a “career”. We would build our lives here. 

And I got chills and teared up when I told my girlfriends – all gathered around my living room. And I was so grateful.

The next step for me, naturally, was to start thinking about our “permanent” home. (I put that in parentheses because one can never know for sure.) What layout do I want? How many bedrooms? Bathrooms? And on and on. It’s something I’ve thought about before – and often. Too often. 

In fact, years ago I started collecting pictures from magazines (was I even married?). Pictures of houses and kitchens and living rooms. About a year ago I started a folder with paper for us (me, really) to write thoughts on each room and aspect of a home. So we would know what we wanted when the time came. 

And it feels as if the time has come. We know we want to be in this location, we want to give the baby his own room, and I want chickens already! We want to own, to have land, to really settle down. 

But the time has not come – as far as I can tell. We are committed to buying debt-free, but our savings are very small when you think about buying a house. And though we are still saving, it’s going to be a long time before we can buy (or build, which is my dream). 

And though I know this, my mind still works to create this future homestead. I’m starting to lean towards a smaller home, with small bedrooms, but a big living room. A smaller porch, but a big deck. I’m seeing that my wants are changing. I feel like I know what I’ll want, and what our needs will be like, in ten years, but do I? And I pray it doesn’t take us ten years… but it might. 

Last night I noticed the five or six binders under my desk and thought, “What ‘s even in those?” Do I really need them?” And I remembered all those pictures tucked away, and thought of the folder taking up room in my drawer. What do I have all that stuff? I couldn’t even remember one of those pictures. Why do I cling to them? What good is it – and can I let go?

And so I feel as if I am at a crossroads – not with the location of my home, but in my head and in my heart. Can I let go of these long-time hopes – dreams of the perfect home? Can I let go of my desire to have a house – to own – “right now!”? Can I simply trust God in His timing, lay it down, and wait patiently on Him?

I’m sure going to try. And I took a first step today. All those pictures and thoughts are in the recycling bag. When I told my husband, he stopped in his tracks and said “Really?!?” It’s that big of a deal to me. 

What is something you are struggling to let go of?