This week I learned that a player my husband played with, who's wife I was friends with, was chosen as a starter for the major league team we were affiliated with. You'd think I would have been excited to hear this; happy for them. I should have been. Instead, I felt jealous, disappointed. It simply revisited a site of healing that I don't visit often.
In our new world here, of "normal life", with our family and circle of friends, and the new venture of coaching, we don't think about it much. That loss of the dream. The dream of playing in the majors one day. A dream my husband had since he was a child. A dream I shared with him from the beginning of our relationship. One we spent four years pursuing. And now is the birth of new dreams and ideas, but the old still lingers.
I think it would be much like losing a business. You have hopes and dreams, ideas and plans. You invest time and money, energy and brain power. And it just doesn't work out. God doesn't always tell us why something can seem so right, even over a period of time, and then be revealed as not so.
I know we were following His will in our pursuit of that dream. I'm thankful for all the unique experiences we were able to experience, the people we got to meet, and all the lessons we learned, bringing us closer to God and each other. And I know that now that we are right where He wants us.
I'm not sure if I can explain it, but for us, and others I've talked to, the baseball world is a totally different mindset. While we were home for the winter in the off-season, we felt comfortable and almost as if we could let go of the dream and live normally. But when we were in the middle of it - Spring Training, the games, stats, promotions, etc. - the dream was brought back to life and the desire rekindled.
I know we have healed a lot because this recent news wasn't disruptive or depressing, but just rocked the boat a little. It showed that we still have some healing to do, but that doesn't surprise me. I know we are both happier where we are now, but sometimes we long for that dream and miss that life a little too. As these things come up, I try to welcome them as a time to think about it and let a little more healing happen.
As I thought about this briefly this morning, I remembered a thought I had last March toward the end of Spring Training. I was blessed during that month to write in my journal almost every day. Reading back in it I'm able to see the progression from being anxious about my husband making a team to the peace God gave me if he didn't. Here's an excerpt that I was reminded of this morning:
"Last night at prayers I was sort of involuntarily praying for him to make it. I don't want him to 'fail' - I want him to make it. But then a thought came to me, "Then what? Would it just be like last year? Him struggling? Being unhappy about it? Wondering if he should keep playing?"
"What if," came the thought, "baseball ended and he found something else he loves? Something he'd be excited about; he'd come home happy from... Wouldn't that be better than him 'making it' out of Spring Training?"
And although he did make a team, it was clear to us later that it was time to move on. We didn't know it at the time, but the beginning of the season was simply a bridge of comfort and employment before his current job opened up. And I am over joyed to say that, these days, my husband has found something else he loves. Something he's excited about and comes home happy from. That, my friends, is healing. Glory be to God who knows all things and cares for us in the way only He can!