Some Bad News

What can I say, dear readers? The past couple weeks have been some of the hardest of my life.

We lost our baby.

I’m doing something different than the conventional medical way, and waiting for my body to finish the process. (It’s called expectant management.) Guess what. My body is a tortoise walking a marathon. It’s started the race, but it’s taking its own sweet time.

Please pray for us. And I will be back around eventually. Thank you!

Thoughts

"Have you ever stared up in the starry sky? Lying on your back, you're asking 'Why? What's the purpose? Tell me, who am I?'" - Brandie Carlile, Have You Ever (song)

"Do you ever want to be more than a wife and mother?" I asked her over a lunch of leftovers as the kids fought over the baby's blanket.

"Yes." she said, and it felt good to not be alone.

It started when I read a blog post about finding your "element" rather than wishing for someone else's talent. Your element being "where your passions and skills collide."

And I thought about it that night, yearning to know what my special "element" is, and drawing a blank. I knew it really wasn't good timing to hone out some genius, but I desired to know what it is God intends for me. What are my talents that He wants me to invest in this life and reap benefits from - for His glory? I asked Him that, and prayed He would show me or give me patience until He decides to.

It grew stronger when I heard the line from above as I set out to jog a whole half mile. Yes, isn't there more to me? Yes, I am wife and mother... but aren't I more? I am not saying that I am disappointed with my life or positions. I love being a wife and the man I am wife to. I love being a mother and the children I am a mother too. I do not at all want to change that. I simply feel an aspect of my life is missing. That there is more to me than I know. Like John Mayer says, "There's more to me than my body gives me credit for."

I was running these thoughts through my head as I was running on the track, trying to sort it out. Okay, most importantly, I am a child of God. Secondly, I am a wife and mother. Why do I feel it is not enough to be the best at these things as I can be? Well, because everyone is a child of God. And most women are wives and mothers. I want to be unique. I want to be good at something only I am good at. I want to have an original idea. To have something that stands me out. But is this really a good thing?

It is true we are all created different. We all have our unique gifts and talents. Is it necessary we know what these are? I suppose so if we are to develop them to the glory of God. But not to the glory of ourselves. Or perhaps by simply seeking after Christ in all we do, we will develop our talents without even realizing it.

I feel as if I am a pie - there are several pieces to me. All of them are vital and important, but one is blank. That would be my "element". My creative outlet that is more than "fun" and is something I am actually good at. I have a lot of interests, but I'm not really good at any of them.

I wonder if my mother or grandmothers felt this way. How many women before me have felt this way? Many, or just the ones who did stand out? Do I feel a desire to do something big and grand because I am in some way extraordinary, or just because I'm human? Do all humans feel this way? A desire to breakout, to grow, to stretch beyond one's small frame?

I think any human who is truly striving to live must feel this way. When we slow down enough to recognize our heart beating and lower the noise to actually hear it, I think it would only be natural long for something beyond this life and beyond ourselves. I'm often reminded that this earth and life are not really "home." That should long and strive for the Kingdom of Heaven. But I wonder how much I really believe it.

And if I want to be more than who I am now, I have plenty of opportunities to do that. To not scream when my toddler ignores me, to not get frustrated when the baby cries, to not judge, to say hi to the stranger, to deny myself over and over and over and over. That matters more than playing the piano or painting a materpiece. That is being bigger than this sinful, fallen body my soul is contained in. That is what God will notice and what will glorify Him. That is what matters for eternity.

The arts, hobbies, and all other things we label as talents are still important. They bring beauty and joy to our world. They reflect the beauty of God. But there are skills and talents that are not included in our (or at least my) usual list. Maybe I don't have any on that list. Maybe I do. But discovering that should not be my focus. Seeking to deny myself and serve God will lead me to whatever else He chooses for me to do. And for this time in my life, I know that is exactly where I'm at. Serving the husband and children He's given me with love, patience, and joy. He will make time for me to take care of myself too. To explore my interests. And maybe someday one of them will grow into what I'm longing for. But for now, I will try to grow bigger in my soul through service and discipline. Lord knows there are plenty of opportunities for that!

Ready and Waiting... Part 2

A week later, and still waiting... I was feeling pretty discouraged last night and stressed about the timing. But God, in His graciousness, gave me a peace. And not just an unexplainable peace, but also some rationalization, which He knows I need. So I am feeling better, but I still have moments when I think, "I wish this would just happen already!" Then I try to think, "I trust You Lord. Help me to enjoy the time."

For, really, there's no rush. Coach is home a lot, so he helps with Sweet Girl if I need a break (which I do often!). He goes up and down the stairs putting the laundry in the washer or dryer and brings it back up again. He does the dishes. He rubs my feet at night. It's great to spend so much time with him!

And Sweet Girl... it was her birthday yesterday and we celebrated by having some friends over in the morning and going to the park (her favorite) in the evening. So besides trying to enjoy my time with them, here and now, I am trying to just keep going as if I wasn't waiting for something big to happen any moment.

I started another book, Little Women.  I read it in junior high, but I don't remember much of it at all. I didn't start a book for a couple days because I was "sure" I wouldn't have time to finish it. But, obviously, I've had more time than I thought and reading is so relaxing (and distracting!).

I started a year-long "research project". Basically I want to learn more about real food and traditional ways of preparing it. Next I want to plan ways to implement all I learn into our lives. The goal is at the end of the year to have a timeline of changes to slowly make in regards to what food I buy and how I prepare it. I have eleven goals (so far) of things I want to learn or plan during this time. I hope to have this as my sole focus for the short times I get to myself. We'll see how it goes. I was planning on starting a month or two after the baby's born, but since I had extra time on my hands, I went ahead and made my goals and I'll do what I can until then.

Mostly I will do my research online. To organize all the information I find, without writing a ton of notes, I downloaded the program Evernote. I heard about it awhile ago here, but since we were using Coach's work laptop, I didn't want to download it on there. Now we have a new computer (which I love!), so I did it. I think it will be very handy and I'm really excited.

That brings me to thoughts about this blog. I'm not sure what I'll want to do here after the dust settles with the baby. It might be a random, when-I-have-thoughts-blog again. After all, I'm sure I'll have much less time. But maybe I'll want to do something structured again, just not as much. Maybe I will want to share all I'm learning in my research project. I would like some opinion from my few readers (I knew there are a couple out there...). At least so I can give it some consideration. I do enjoy blogging, but it does take time and effort. I may not miss it so much once I'm busier... Just not sure what direction I'll go.

Please keep us in your prayers during this time! It's certainly a trial of patience and trust.

Growth and Lists

Swollen hands: check

Swollen feet: when I'm hot

Big belly: double check

After a week of traveling (as in driving every day!) and then a string of events at home, things are finally settling down. Although, it won't stay that way for long. I'm almost 37 weeks (considered full-term) so really, the baby could come at any time. He's really growing.

He's not the only one growing around here (and I'm not referring to my body...). I feel awed and blessed at how my husband has stepped things up around the home, without me having even wished he would. I'll go to dry the dishes after dinner while he washes, and he tells me to go sit down. I don't even pretend to object. Last night he did the mopping, before I got off the couch to do it. He'll randomly rub my feet and even my back. He's making sure I drink my water. It is so different than last time I was pregnant when one night I had to tell him, "You know, pretty soon I'm not going to be able to do ____ (it was something simple an adult can do for themselves) for you!" And when our daughter came, he surely did step it up. So much so that I fell madly in love all over again. But this time, he's ahead of the game and I am falling deeper in love. It's amazing to see the growth and maturity in him, not only as a husband, but as a wonderful father.

Sweet Girl is growing too. So much. She's singing now! First song: Ring Around the Rosies. Second: Happy Birthday. Third: an adapted line from a song I made up for her. Now, she's only singing the first line over and over, but it's singing! More about that third song... I sing "Oh how I love, oh how I love, oh how I love my sweet, sweet girl" (very original, I know). Yesterday I was holding her on my lap and she was hugging me over and over (yes, wonderful!) and then she sang, "Oh how I love... my Mama!" I can't tell you how that makes me feel. If you're a mama, I'm sure you can relate.

But that brings this post to me. And my growth. Or rather shrinking it feels. It's been really hard for me to sort out my emotions. I feel like my big belly is squishing my brain and heart like it's squishing my bladder and stomach and they just can't function normally. I only stay "with it" and productive through lists and lists. Remember that traveling and busi-ness I mentioned? Before that was all over, I was extremely stressed by these lists. And I knew that I needed to trust God. Not trust Him that I would get everything done before the baby comes (and that labor would be smooth and fast, baby would be healthy and nurse great, and all those other things I was worried about), but to simply trust Him that everything would be okay regardless of the state of my to do lists, or body, or baby. But I just couldn't.

And I didn't. Yet, because God is as gracious as He is, I felt better. I felt better because He blessed me with a calm day that was as productive as I would have liked, where Sweet Girl added an hour to her nap in which I simply relaxed, and Coach was home unexpectedly early. Things I wanted to pray for, but knew weren't the solution. Yet, He gave them because I think he knows how weak I am right now, and how hard it is to sort through trust issues and muster up spiritual strength.

After feeling nourished by some extra time, help, and a lighter checklist, I do trust Him... mostly. I still struggle. Last night I went to bed wondering what in the world I'm doing by having a baby! How did I expect to get through labor... nurse through the night... and raise another soul? I felt despondent. Partly because I was exhausted, partly because those are my fears right now. And my answer to it all came this morning in a quote that stopped me mid-cat and cowing:

"One must never, for any reason, become despondent, for we are carried in the hands of God's Providence. Our concern is to be true to the Lord." ~ St. Ignatius Brianchaninov

Our concern is to be true to the Lord. Not easy, but simple. I can digest that, even with my squished brain and heart. I am trying, trying... to move past my lists (and expectations) and simply do and be for God. My lists serve a purpose - they are tools - but they should not rule my life or my sense of worth or contentment.

And as I do so, which slowly I've been better at these past few days, I am able to relish the growth of my family and cherish them how we are now, before we change even more drastically when the baby comes. These truly are sweet days. And I thank God for reminding me of that.

Thoughtful Thursday: Control is a Mask of Pride

On Thoughtful Thursday I share thoughts on ways I'm working to improve myself as a woman, wife and mother. 


I've never really thought of myself as prideful. I wouldn't have gone so far as to say I was humble, but I felt I was more in the middle. This week though, God has shown me that my effort to control the events in my life is pride.

It's been a hard week so far, friends. It's been busy and I haven't even had my usual respite during nap-time due to babysitting, having my sister over, or skipped naps. I don't do well under these circumstances. I like predictability, routine, and, mainly, having things go my way.

When things don't go my way, I get frustrated. When I'm frustrated, I am impatient with my daughter or husband, and then I feel like a failure as a mother and a wife. I get bent out of shape when things are out of sync or they simply don't go how I had imagined or prefer.

This week I have been gripping my ideals and hopes with clenched fists and it has squeezed all of God's grace from my life. He cannot help me if I am not open. I cannot be gracious when things are hard if He is not in me.

At the start of the week, I went to confession about this control/frustration cycle. My father confessor enlightened me that this is ultimately my pride. It is saying I know better than God how things should be. That the way I think or want things is the most important thing - more important than others, more important than God's plan. Pride is more than being puffed up with one's self. It is simply self-love.

I went into this week newly aware of this illness of my heart. I vowed to be better. But my frustration has only doubled at my inability to let go of control. God is showing me this week how prideful I really am. I am so very aware of this weakness - it is exposed. This is what Lent is for, peeling away our layers - rip by painful rip. I see my weakness. My selfishness. My pride. It is good to realize this, so I can ask God for His mercy and help... His healing. My priest also told me that this is not something we can fix ourselves; we must ask Christ to help up. (That is so true with everything!) Each and every morning, I have to give up my control over myself. I must open up these fists strangling my life. Open them up so He can fill them with strength, joy, and love. And in turn, pour those on others selflessly.

May each day I rise willing to live a life open to God and His plan, and accept with grace, given by Him, whatever happens.

Fulfillment

Easter things lined the isles - already. It's not even March, Valentine's Day just behind us. I shake my head at the obvious need to be occupied with anything but now. But I am just the same, as I resist doughnuts and cookies, anything that appeals to me, to bring me happiness or make me feel better. Or so I think.

It usually comes at night, after a full day and my body and heart are tired from caring for a toddler and growing a baby. And all the distractions are gone. The blame falls on my husband. He wasn't enough: didn't listen, talk, fill-in-the-blank enough to make me feel full, happy.

And it comes near my birthday, visits, holidays, anything tied with expectations. The day did not go perfect, so-n-so was not thoughtful. And I'm left disappointed again.

This emptiness... it's so hard to fill. I try to fill it with food, plans, clothes, my husband, daughter, and even my unborn child. Or movies, books, blogs - you name it! The world always has something to offer to "fill" the emptiness we feel... or at least distract us from it.

A wonderful marriage book given to my husband and me by my in-laws, Love and War by John and Staci Eldredge, explained that our hearts are like sponges. They can be filled up, soaked and heavy. But eventually, and quickly, they dry up and are empty again. And we long for more. The wonderful weekend we spent means nothing come Tuesday evening when I feel need more of my husband, like I need food and air.

But even he can't fill my heart. Not completely. And not my children, food, clothes, activities, friends and sunshine all put together. Only Jesus can truly make my heart complete. I know that. I have known that. A dear friend once told me, even before I met my husband, that you will still feel lonely in marriage. And I was able to believe her because I was not currently in love. I had my head on straight. I've always remembered that, but lately I have not been able to put it in practice. Logically, I know I should turn to Christ. My mind does, but my heart holds back. And, honestly, I don't know why.

Tomorrow Lent will begin. In the Orthodox Church, Lent is taken very seriously. It involves fasting from meat and dairy, but more so from sin and whatever else draws us away from Christ. I certainly need a time like this. Personally, I will not be fasting from meat and dairy because right now my body needs the nutrients these foods provide. But I will be taking measures to draw closer to Christ. More prayer. More reading. More quiet.

Maybe I'll be on here, maybe I won't. I'm not making a rule to not be on the Internet, but I'm definitely going to cut it down. In fact, God has already done that by shutting down our laptop for good. My husband brings his work laptop home in the evenings and weekends, but that doesn't allow much time, so that is already built in. And it's a good break to take.

Whatever you are planning to do to prepare for the Resurrection of our Lord, may it be blessed! May it help you to fill your heart with Christ - the only true filler. Pray for me that my efforts will do the same for me.

The Road Ahead

Since we are in transition of careers and we are not sure exactly where we will be next year or in five (do any of us really?), I've been anxious about it lately. I want to know where we are meant to be and what we are meant to be doing. What is God's vision for us and our family?

This morning I read this in Jesus Calling:

"As you become increasingly aware of My Presence, you find it easier to discern the way you should go. ... Instead of wondering about what is on the road ahead or worrying about what you should do if ___ or when ___, you can concentrate on staying in communion with Me. When you actually arrive at a choice-point, I will show you which direction to go.
Many people are so preoccupied with future plan and decisions that they fail to see choices they need to make today."

Isn't it clear? Focus on TODAY. Focus on CHRIST. CHRIST IS ALL!

So, I am done. I am done worrying. I will still plan, as necessary, but I will try to remember it is all a guideline. It is not a must. So if things change, then that is okay. That it means God is stepping in and saying, "This is My plan; My will for you." And I must remember that His will is always, always better than mine.

I don't know what God's grand plan is for us, only that there is one. But what must be done today, that is clear.

Blogging as Me

Remember the post I wrote on the skirts I made? And how I said I'm a horrible photographer? Well, it's something that really bothers me. I follow a handful of wonderful blogs. These women I read about... in my eyes, they do it all! Their blog has a wonderful design, they always have fascinating photographs (taken by them!) woven into an insightful or simply charming post.

I fumble my way through, trying to design my blog just perfect. It never is what I want. I simply don't know how to create what I want. My pictures are always less then what I want and I don't know how to get a nice border around them. I feel like it takes forever to upload the pictures AND thoughtfully write. I enjoy blogging, but I have a standard in my head I simply cannot meet.

I do this to myself in my life. My house does not look the way I want it to. My clothes are not what I want them to be. I do not have the friends or talent or time I want. On and on and on... anyone else ride this downward spiral?

The point is: I have been feeling this way the past few days. I have felt this way before. Today, I was reading some of my favorite posts and God, I know it was Him, lead me to this post that hit me so close and brought me so much comfort. If you ever feel inadequate in any facet of your life - read this!

I hope it helps you as it has helped me to at least have a vision of how to approach blogging, and life in general. God has not appointed me to be owner of a popular, perfect, updated-every-day blog. At least not now. But I am a wife and mother, daughter and friend. I am me.

You will see me fumble around here more, trying to make it more of what I want. More me. I hope to create something I can let be so I am simply write and post as is comes to me, happy with the display it comes in. I don't think God wants me to stop, or to not try new things. But He wants me to do it joyfully, as myself, and not trying to be someone or something I am not.

I will try to be more ME and worry less about what my 2 or 3 readers think! Bear with me, love me, and pray for me! This is not somewhere fancy, but it is real.

Going Back In Time

Saturday night I was in high school again, and at the same time, the me I am now. I attended my 10 year high school reunion. During the day, as the time got closer, I wondered why I decided to go. I had originally decided not to go, but my best friend from high school (and college, and now) decided to go and her reasons, at the time, made sense to me. After thinking about it more, I had decided to go.

I don't know what other high schools were like, but my class was very cliquey. You had the preps, the middle people, and the "druggies" - for lack of better terms. The middle people (the group I was in) had it's own little groups, some people closer to some than others, but we all got along and there was a lot of crossover between our groups. For example, those in band were close as were those in choir. But I was in choir and I still had friends who were in band.

Anyway, as I prepared to go to the reunion, I felt as if I had been invited to a prep party and that it would mostly be them and just a few of "us". I questioned why I was going. There were some people I was hoping would be there. Not being on Facebook, I'm not in the "know" about where people are and what they are doing, so I had lost touch with a few people I still liked.

In the end, I am glad I went, but I was right about feeling weird about it. It was still very cliquey and I didn't end up talking to too many people. I am glad I went for the sake of reconnecting with two girlfriends, one who's back in town too with a little girl just a few months younger than Sweet Girl. We had to leave just as the dinner was closing and the bonfire was started. If we had stayed longer, I'm sure I would have ended up talking to more people. As we drove away, I felt as if I had been a bit snobbish. But, I am shy and I didn't want to seem fake and talk to someone I didn't really talk to in high school. I wish I was more like Jesus and actually cared like He does for each and everyone one of them.

Everyone (and really only 20-30 people from our class were there) seemed to be pretty much the same as they were in high school, which was good and bad, depending on how they were of course. I'm sure everyone is more mature, but no one seemed to really move up or down in their "status", which really did make me sad for some people who I felt had great personalities and potential, but just were with the wrong crowd.

And now, two days later, I am still reliving that night, over and over. Sunday morning I felt as if I was trying to land on Earth again from a different planet. It felt so weird. How and why did high school have such a huge affect on me and why, after 10 years, am I reliving those days in my head and concerning myself with what those people (whom I haven't even given thought to in those 10 years) are doing and thinking?

Maybe it is because of those crazy teenage years and being with those people 8 hours a day, almost every day, for at least 4 years. It all didn't seem to matter a month ago. Now it's all I can think about. Pretty crazy and I can't seem to sort it out...

Fear

Sweet Girl and I went to the park yesterday. It was a beautiful day and I'd been meaning to take her for a while. Every time we would pass the church playground by the library, full of children laughing and playing, she's point longingly, and guilt would fill me for not taking her to the park each and every day. So finally we were going. Thoughts of her running across the green grass toward the stairs she would quickly climb filled my head. They must have been based on my little sister's first visit to a park in China when she was just a little older than my daughter. I was excited for Sweet Girl; she was going to have so much fun!

But instead of running, she held my hand and we slowly walked toward the playground. Instead of getting excited about the stairs, she climbed slowly after my prompting. She warmed up after a bit, but there was still no squeal as she ran to the next exciting thing. I was puzzled. Sometimes she is so outgoing and bold. Other times she acts just like I remember being as a little girl: timid and cautious. As I watched her and pondered all of this, it brought back memories of my childhood.

I've always wished I was more of the enthusiastic type. Someone who gets others pumped up, always more than ready for the next thing. Sadly, when I think of prominent memories from my childhood, they are filled with disappointment, usually after I had been excited about something. Like the time we visited a pig farm. I was so excited and I ran toward the pigs, just to slide in a big puddle of mud. It ruined the day. Another time in school, I was excited about a worksheet we were doing - some sort of word game - and I said, "Yippee!" or some other enthusiastic phrase. The teacher turned around and sharply asked, "Who said that?!" Of course, I did not tell her it was me. Maybe she thought I was being sarcastic, but at the time I did not think of that. I did not even know what it meant to be sarcastic at that innocent age.

Are these moments in my life the reason why I'm shy and cautious to get involved... afraid to say hi to an old acquaintance or a new face? Sometimes, I feel I am afraid of life. Unwilling to try new things, to break out of my routine and comfort zone. But there have been times in my life where I have done a number of new things in a remarkably small amount of time. When I started college, I met people left and right, and was excited about it. When I started my first job out of college, I was extremely personable, meeting people both within my job and socially. When we traveled around playing baseball, I continually put myself out there to meet all the girlfriends and other wives. In all these instances, I surprised myself. It wasn't like me. And now, I am back in my hometown, yet feeling like the "new girl at school." I don't have a solid circle of friends, but I am in a comfort zone enough that I don't need to seek out adventure. However, there is a craving. Yet I walk around the community in fear of coming in contact with someone who will actually talk to me. I freeze when I see someone I know and I don't know what to say. When I'm prepared, I'm okay. But if not, I'm like a turtle who retreats into my shell each time I see someone.

I know my problem is fear. Fear of rejection or embarrassment. Yet I need to find my confidence in Christ, not what a stranger thinks of me. I need to find my joy in Him, not being approved of by others. But how do I do that? I have started praying each morning that God would prepare me for whatever encounters I may have that day with others. And He has! When I am mindful of drawing my strength in Him, I can and He does strengthen me. But I'm weak and things get busy and I forget. And I get lazy and I don't want to put in the effort. It's a continual struggle. But over time, I pray I can keep Him ever closer and closer to my heart so I can boldly share Him with others by being warm and welcoming, enthusiastic and joyful, all without fear.

"But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying, 'Be of good cheer! It is I; do not be afraid.'" Matthew 14:27

I was looking online for salt and pepper grinders. Then we began our evening prayers. I remembered. I remembered how I had read about those in the Horn of Africa, living in a drought. Starving. I wrestled again. "What can I do?" We who struggle month to month. Who are living in poverty - technically - in our own country. But yet we are so rich...

What to do? I thought of different pockets of money we have left for the month... a little food money, a little personal money, a little money in case a birthday or some unexpected need comes up. All of this not adding up to much; all of this hard to let go.

It's not that we don't have plenty of food; we do. Or that I am not willing to eat less or not exactly what I want so that others may eat; I am. But I want to provide balanced meals for my family. The last little bit of money is for fruit for the rest of the month, our upcoming open house, and maybe cheese for Sweet Girl. How do I find the balance between giving to others and providing for my family?

And then the personal money. Money I have been hanging on to in order to make my wardrobe more modest, compatible, and more of my new sense of style. Do I give this up when it's an answer to a month long prayer... an answer to agonizing about clothes that no longer fit, are stained or simply OLD? I remember one fall when things were very tight, we had no money to buy a coat for me (not just a new one - I had none). My mother-in-law gave me $10 when we went to a thrift store together. I didn't find anything there, and that Sunday I put it in the collection for the homeless, feeling that they needed it more than me. Yet I still had no coat and I was cold! And I wasn't okay with that; I resented that I gave that money away. Where is the balance in giving? I know of saints who would continually give away money and items. Those things were given to them to provide for themselves, yet they gave it to the poor. But I am no saint, and I know God does not compare us or hold us to the standards others meet. What is His standard for me?

Which brings me to more questions. Why are we so blessed to have meat and cheese, when others don't even have water and grain? To have a home that is comfortable, roomy, clean, and safe... when so many don't? In this society of "more is better", it is easy for me to look around and see all that I don't have, but if I look at the rest of the world, I see how much I do have. Enter: guilt. Guilt because of my blessings. Guilt because I can't help. Guilt because I am too weak to give up more. How much does God ask to give? I believe it is different for everyone. So how do you know what that is for you as an individual?

In Ann Voskamp's book, One Thousand Gifts, it really helped me when she wrote about this topic. She had wise words considering it: "I only deepen the wound of the world when I neglect to give thanks... Why would the world need more anger, more outrage? How does it save the world to reject unabashed joy when it is joy that saves us? Rejecting joy to stand in solidarity with the suffering doesn't rescue the suffering." This has helped me many times. There is righteous guilt for our sins, but there is also guilt that Satan uses, especially on women. When I feel guilty for things I can't control, I give up trust in God. I put the responsibility on myself which is an act of control. Control belongs to God. It does not help or change anything when I feel guilty for the blessings God chooses to give me. Yet when I give thanks for these blessings, no matter how outrageous they are compared to the suffering others are going through, I give glory to God, live in Christ and therefore benefit the world. If I can do this, I can brings some peace into the world, which, in some great mystery, affects everyone in the world. It does not help to question God in His choices about who gets what. Only He knows and He knows best.

I am reminded of a parable Christ told about a poor man named Lazarus and the rich man. How, after they had both died, they received the opposite of what they had experienced on Earth. Lazarus - peace and comfort in heaven. The rich man - torment in hell. When I think of those suffering in Africa, I can't help but believe that they will be rewarded one day for their suffering. And I, who am without need, must desperately pray for the salvation of my soul.

I still don't know what I should do as far as my giving for this cause... what Got wants from me. I plan to strive to rejoice in all that I have, and give the glory to God. I plan to continue to pray for guidance and strength to obey, and to pray for those suffering. How do you respond when you hear of others' suffering?