i am a collector

This morning I made a discovery about myself, through a creative personality quiz. I've been learning a little about creativity through this series at Pure & Simple.

I've never really thought of myself as all that creative, and certainly not an artist. But that is all changing thanks to this site, and Emily at Chatting at the Sky. It's liberating, fun, and exciting.

My discovery? I'm a "collector," which does not mean I collect a bunch of trinkets and organize them creatively (that's what I first thought of...). It means I collect ideas. Here's their definition:

Collectors gain inspiration from different sources and then compile them to create something completely their own. Their creative style is best described as a collage – a melded blend of ideas they have gathered over the years, from many different sources. (from Pure & Simple)

This is me very much so. I never would have been able to word it, but after reading it, I went "AHA!" And we all love those moments. I understand myself better, and therefore am able to embrace myself more, being thankful to God for this part of me.

So, why don't you take the quiz?! It's about 5 questions. Is it right or wrong?

Once Upon a Time... I had TIME!

I had time to WRITE!

The past couple days I have been unpacking a big box of things - mostly journals of mine. Many times I got sucked in as I "flipped" through some. And I've been kind of in and out of the past in my mind. Some things really made me cringe to remember how I was, and did I really write  that? And think that? Did I SAY it too???? But other things surprised me in a good way.

And there's really too much there to get into, but one thing I did like were some poems I found that I had written back in the day. I usually wrote poems when I was either really upset about something (or sometimes happy), or I simply had lots of time to think about what was going on in my life, and it would flow out.

When I was younger, I wrote in my journal all-the-time. It really got me through some rough times. I still journal, but it's sporadic. It is more consistent than it has been in the past couple years, but really I find my outlet in talking to Coach about everything in my head and on my heart - and sharing with my friends. I didn't always have that - but I always had a notebook.

Anyway, I lament a bit that I don't have the time for creative juices to bubble out like they use to. (If they do it is usually at 10 pm when I am trying to fall asleep and am too tired to get up... and I forget it all in the morning!) BUT... I am going to be brave and daring for my dear readers! I am going to do a series (left un-named because I can't think of anything clever) of sharing one of my poems once a week, until I run out of poems I am willing to share. I have no idea how many there will be and they are going to be in random order. Tryin' to keep it simple folks because it's the only way it's gonna happen. Anyway... I'll start next week or the next...

Stay tuned. :)

Thoughts

"Have you ever stared up in the starry sky? Lying on your back, you're asking 'Why? What's the purpose? Tell me, who am I?'" - Brandie Carlile, Have You Ever (song)

"Do you ever want to be more than a wife and mother?" I asked her over a lunch of leftovers as the kids fought over the baby's blanket.

"Yes." she said, and it felt good to not be alone.

It started when I read a blog post about finding your "element" rather than wishing for someone else's talent. Your element being "where your passions and skills collide."

And I thought about it that night, yearning to know what my special "element" is, and drawing a blank. I knew it really wasn't good timing to hone out some genius, but I desired to know what it is God intends for me. What are my talents that He wants me to invest in this life and reap benefits from - for His glory? I asked Him that, and prayed He would show me or give me patience until He decides to.

It grew stronger when I heard the line from above as I set out to jog a whole half mile. Yes, isn't there more to me? Yes, I am wife and mother... but aren't I more? I am not saying that I am disappointed with my life or positions. I love being a wife and the man I am wife to. I love being a mother and the children I am a mother too. I do not at all want to change that. I simply feel an aspect of my life is missing. That there is more to me than I know. Like John Mayer says, "There's more to me than my body gives me credit for."

I was running these thoughts through my head as I was running on the track, trying to sort it out. Okay, most importantly, I am a child of God. Secondly, I am a wife and mother. Why do I feel it is not enough to be the best at these things as I can be? Well, because everyone is a child of God. And most women are wives and mothers. I want to be unique. I want to be good at something only I am good at. I want to have an original idea. To have something that stands me out. But is this really a good thing?

It is true we are all created different. We all have our unique gifts and talents. Is it necessary we know what these are? I suppose so if we are to develop them to the glory of God. But not to the glory of ourselves. Or perhaps by simply seeking after Christ in all we do, we will develop our talents without even realizing it.

I feel as if I am a pie - there are several pieces to me. All of them are vital and important, but one is blank. That would be my "element". My creative outlet that is more than "fun" and is something I am actually good at. I have a lot of interests, but I'm not really good at any of them.

I wonder if my mother or grandmothers felt this way. How many women before me have felt this way? Many, or just the ones who did stand out? Do I feel a desire to do something big and grand because I am in some way extraordinary, or just because I'm human? Do all humans feel this way? A desire to breakout, to grow, to stretch beyond one's small frame?

I think any human who is truly striving to live must feel this way. When we slow down enough to recognize our heart beating and lower the noise to actually hear it, I think it would only be natural long for something beyond this life and beyond ourselves. I'm often reminded that this earth and life are not really "home." That should long and strive for the Kingdom of Heaven. But I wonder how much I really believe it.

And if I want to be more than who I am now, I have plenty of opportunities to do that. To not scream when my toddler ignores me, to not get frustrated when the baby cries, to not judge, to say hi to the stranger, to deny myself over and over and over and over. That matters more than playing the piano or painting a materpiece. That is being bigger than this sinful, fallen body my soul is contained in. That is what God will notice and what will glorify Him. That is what matters for eternity.

The arts, hobbies, and all other things we label as talents are still important. They bring beauty and joy to our world. They reflect the beauty of God. But there are skills and talents that are not included in our (or at least my) usual list. Maybe I don't have any on that list. Maybe I do. But discovering that should not be my focus. Seeking to deny myself and serve God will lead me to whatever else He chooses for me to do. And for this time in my life, I know that is exactly where I'm at. Serving the husband and children He's given me with love, patience, and joy. He will make time for me to take care of myself too. To explore my interests. And maybe someday one of them will grow into what I'm longing for. But for now, I will try to grow bigger in my soul through service and discipline. Lord knows there are plenty of opportunities for that!

Thoughtful Thursday: On Being a Coach's Wife

Saturday at church a lady asked me, "Do you feel like a single mother now that baseball season has started?" I laughed and said, "Yes, but it's harder because I still have to feed him when he gets home!"

I had been reflecting on this new development in my life and how it's been different than I had imagined. Although I didn't really put too much thought into what it might be like, my main thought was that it would be way easier than pro-ball life because he wouldn't be gone for 4-8 days at a time at frequent intervals. While I am glad he's not going on long road trips, it still has taken some adjustment and it is still a lot of work, just different.

Instead he's working 10-11 hour days, most days. Sometimes he comes home for lunch, sometimes he doesn't. Sometimes he's home by 7:00, sometimes later (and occasionally, earlier). Sometimes he stops by at random times during the day. Anyone who knows me can see why this alone would be hard on me. I like routine!

However, it hasn't been too bad. I've actually been fairly flexible. It helps that I can have an idea of what the week will look like before it starts. Also, four years of pro-ball has broken me in somewhat... I've had to learn to be flexible! It does kind of stretch me in less noticeable ways. It's just much more calm and comfortable when things are fairly the same from day to day and week to week. And, obviously, it's harder being the parent most of the time.

One thing that is a little difficult, as it was with pro-ball, is, not the leaving of the husband, but the return. Yes, he's missed when he's gone, but it's also easier. Smaller meals to fix and all of nap and night time to myself. And lets not forget the whole bed to myself! Ha ha! But seriously, by the time he gets back, I'm used to doing everything myself, the way I like it done. Just like living with him for the first time took adjustment, it takes time once he's back to readjust. These are good opportunities to be patient and understanding (and let go of control), but I am usually so excited to have him back that I forget that these trials come up, so they take me by surprise and I usually lack that patience and understanding. Fortunately, we're back in sync fairly quickly.

Going to games has been fun. It's nice that the field is only a five minute walk from our house, and the weather has been gorgeous. But, it's yet another thing that wears me down a bit. Packing snacks, being presentable, regulating Sweet Girl, disciplining subtly (because people are watching!), and finally the walk home. It really is fun, don't get me wrong, but it's work too.

Then there's the publicity aspect. I never really liked it that fans, complete strangers to me, knew who I was and who I was married to. And now, it's parents. Not as creepy, but still catches me off guard when a mom chats with me in the bathroom about my daughter or my husband. I mean, what's your name again? I know they all mean well, I'm just a privacy snob. And I haven't been there enough (or been able to people watch enough) to see who's there every time and make note of who cheers specifically for whom, etc. I mean, I'm just trying to keep my daughter happy most of the time! I'm lucky if I get to watch the game some too.

I've enjoyed the memories it brings back to me of when my husband and I were dating. It was his senior year of college. I spent every weekend at his games. I got to know the moms... and baseball. I liked how people yelled, "Let's go 1-2!" for the player with the number 12. The players were right there. The crowds were small; it was intimate. It felt safe. After pro-ball, this is a welcome relief. People are at the games because they are invested in the players or college in some way. Not because they are fanatics about the team or want a ball signed by a maybe-celebrity-someday. Although I would say the majority of the people at professional games are there just for a good ball game, which I am all for, I saw a lot of crazy things too. I'm happy to be somewhere low-key again.

And finally, what makes me happiest is knowing my husband is loving his job. I don't get to see him in action much because he's the pitching coach. He stays in the dugout unless a pitcher is struggling. I'm sorry for the pitcher, but I get excited when I see him walk out and I get to see him "in action." (All he does is give the pitcher a pep talk.) We sit on the opponents side so we can see him in the dugout and sometimes he'll wave to us. And although he's adjusting to this new role too, and some things are hard for him, I know he's happier in this role, and excited to continue and develop as a coach. I feel the same about being a coach's wife.

Thoughtful Thursday: My "Me Binder"

On Thoughtful Thursday I share thoughts on ways I'm working to improve myself as a woman, wife and mother. 

I've had several binders and notebooks over the years, some just for organizing household chores and tasks, and some full of lists of books to read, movies to watch, and other random things. And when I think about it, everything was kind of scattered... I'd have scraps of paper with random ideas stuffed in my household binder or in my inbox waiting to be sorted someday.

One Saturday, maybe a month ago, I stumbled upon this post on Passionate Homemaking, a blog I like but don't check regularly. The post was about making a binder to organize all your tasks, something I've had different versions of for a few years now. But the example the woman gave of her own was more about her whole life, the sections divided by her different roles, rather than one aspect of her life - keeping up a home. This was like a light bulb going off in my head! I made mine that day.

Mine has eight categories for me to keep ideas, inspiration, lists, etc. in for the different roles I play in life. Here's my list with a brief explanation for each:

1. Hannah/Wife - This is where I have a list of my personal and spiritual goals, my wishful to do list, books to read, music to look into, and my ideal wardrobe list (which I hope to expound upon in a different post).
2. Mother - Here I have notes from an Orthodox book on child rearing as well as goals I have for my daughter (things to work on with her) and goals for myself as a mother.
3. Homemaker - I have a list of things I'd like to learn about homemaking, other goals, and general ideas for our home.
4. Friend - I made a chart with all my closest friends to keep track of things going on in their lives and things I want to ask them or talk to them about. 
5. Writer - I keep my post ideas here as well as other ideas for my blogs. However, now I've started a planner where I'm keeping ideas, so I probably won't be keeping blog things here. I will keep the category though because I have other writing ideas that I've had over the years.
6.Creator - This is my craft/sewing section where I keep ideas. It also has a pocket folder to keep current project plans or notes in.
7. Gardener - I have my garden plan here and I hope to add notes about my first gardening experience so I can remember my mistakes and (hopefully!) not make them again. 
8. Shopper - I keep a list of things we need/want and a list of gifts to buy as well as ideas for the future. In a folder pocket I keep monthly cash and a planner with birthdays.


I don't use this binder every day (I have a different system for chore and activity planning), but it's nice to have a place to put that idea that pops into my head and a place to find it when I want to come back to it (but can't quite remember the details!). As I made it, I cleared out two notebooks full of random lists and ideas! It felt so good to consolidate things! This probably sounds weird, but it makes my life, my brain and thoughts, feel more organized and structured! So, if you feel like your thoughts are all over the place and spilling out of your head, maybe you'd enjoy making a "Me Binder" too.

Defining My Roles

We all have multiple roles in our life. Some are more important than others. For me, the roles of being a godly woman, wife, mother, and homemaker are most important. These are connected directly with my relationships with the most important people in my life: Jesus Christ, my husband, and my children. Of course, extended family members and friends are very important too, but they are secondary. Most of my time is spent caring for my husband, children and our home. This is what I think about and the areas I strive to grow in the most.

This is how I define these roles for myself personally:

Godly Woman: to be constantly striving to serve God in my capacity as a woman and who I am personally; to seek His grace and strength at all times; the give thanks for everything; to always be learning and developing my talents.

Godly Wife: to serve with love and unselfishness; to be forgiving; to be a safe haven for my husband to come to and sort out his thoughts, struggles and dreams; to listen support and give without keeping a tally of how much I receive; to support, respect and love my husband.

Godly Mother: to serve with love and unselfishness; to consistently and lovingly discipline; to be a teacher; to be a safe haven.

Godly Homemaker: to work unselfishly at making a comfortable home; make the home a calm place; be a good steward of our resources and possessions; provide nutrition and health.

My hope is to share with you what I learn along this continual journey. I hope you enjoy it and maybe my lessons can encourage you as well!

Production vs. Consumption

I listened to a podcast recently of the author of Small Notebook chatting with her friend at Simple Mom. They talked about how both of them don't really read many blogs, since they upkeep their blogs so much. When you're producing, Rachel put it, then you don't really have time to consume.

I've been mulling that comment over in my head since then. Lately I've been feeling like a shallow, dry sponge. Unable to take anything in and unable to squeeze anything out. However, I think the truth is that I am a giant, full sponge... holding it all in and processing very slowly.

I've been consuming. A lot. Not just blogs, but books, music, ideas, Scripture... Sweet Girl's presence. And I've just been soaking it all in. Producing a little - a few journal entries and some blog posts. But the amount of production compared to consumption is small. And I feel weighted down in both good and bad ways. Good in that I'm excited about the things I'm learning and bad in that sometimes what I read on blogs makes me wishful that my life was different, when in actuality, I'm very content.

My life is full, chasing a one-year-old, taking care of a house, being a wife. It's full and can be busy, but it's not like I don't have time to think. It's just that the time I have to think is spread out in short intervals. I have to realize that it's going to take me longer to process anything of depth that I consume.

And producing takes time too, especially creative producing. Sometimes things just come, like this post, but other times they don't, like as of lately. A lot of things are simply stopped up in my brain, and that's okay.

I'm still going to consume. That's the mode I'm in; I have a lot I want to learn and a lot to prepare for in the future. After all, I'm raising a family and that's a serious job!

So if you don't hear from me for a while, I'm sorry. It means I'm busy learning and absorbing. Once I process things, you can be sure I'll share. Sharing might just mean a list of things I'm consuming, but that's sharing nonetheless!

November Projects: Recipes, jars and more

Although I feel behind and a tad overwhelmed at the moment, I have actually accomplished a lot this month so far. It being the 9th day and all. Here's a look:

I bought the big, half gallon jars and my mom gave me all the quart and smaller jars. It feels so organized and looks nice too! The top shelf has grains, second baking goods, and the bottom shelf has the gluten free flours, as well as whole wheat. I wish I had room in my kitchen, but it's better we keep them in the "mud room" because it's cooler. They say you should refrigerate gluten free flours, but I just don't have room in my fridge.

I cleaned out my recipe box leaving only those recipes I still want to try. I organized all my tried and true favorites into a book my mother-in-law gave me a few Christmases ago, and made a master menu planning list of all the dishes and side dishes we love. I have to say I was pretty giddy at the completion of my "Family Favs" book - all those wonderful food ideas in one place!

I made this cute pencil roll for my niece who turned six last week. Her party is tomorrow so hopefully she'll like it! I admit, it is far, far from perfect, but maybe she won't notice... being six and all. I complimented the gift with a notepad for her to doodle or write in. The party is ballerina themed so I have an excuse to put Sweet Girl in a super fun, ruffled skirt! Yay!

No pictures, but I'm happy to say I made gluten free yeast bread and gluten free noodles for the first time this week! AND they both turned out pretty good! Especially the noodles. (And they were easy-wow!)

Now I'm working on Christmas shopping and drowning, er, swimming in doubt about what is best, when to buy, etc., etc., etc. Good thing I have over a month still!

What are you working on?

New Favs for October

As I said, I am hoping to start posting once a month some "New Favs" (favs is short for favorites...). This is where I share some things I have recently discovered or rediscovered and enjoyed during that month. Here we go...

1) Coconut Products - At the beginning of the month I bought a huge thing of coconut oil (very good for you!) and have been using it more, okay, a lot in my cooking. It's yummy on green beans and to cook scrambled eggs to mention a couple. Also, I bought unsweetened shredded coconut to make these awesome chicken tenders. I added it to my sister-in-law's granola recipe for the first time and it raised the bar for granola big time!

2) Joshua Bell's album Romance of the Violin. I checked it out from the library. It reminded me how much I love the violin. The album is so beautiful and relaxing. Perfect for listening to while sipping a cup of tea and reading with a candle flickering nearby.

3) Librovox - Thanks to that same sister-in-law, I now know about the amazing Librovox website. It has thousands of free audio books. Every book is in the public domain, which means they are not copyrighted. (I had no clue what that meant. I feel so educated now!) Volunteers record the book, you download and enjoy! So simple. I listened to A Little Princess on the way to and from my friends house last weekend - 8 hours worth of "reading" that would have been spent listening to music I know by heart. And Sweet Girl didn't seem to mind a bit!

4) Small Notebook blog - I already mentioned this blog, but it had to be apart of the list because it has had a big impact on me already. You will see. I have more to write about ideas I've gleaned from this site.

5) Acorns - I have never given a thought to acorns before. But as I was browsing blogs and looking for things I could put together for Mia to do, I saw acorns everywhere. I thought we just didn't have any oak trees in this area because I didn't remember seeing them as a child and I knew we didn't have any in our yard. But one afternoon we ventured out on a trail nearby (but you still have to drive to it) and found a bunch of acorns! Sweet Girl likes putting them, one by one into a jar. I like just looking at them. Whenever I see some outside, I have to restrain myself from gathering a whole handful to take home!

Blogging as Me

Remember the post I wrote on the skirts I made? And how I said I'm a horrible photographer? Well, it's something that really bothers me. I follow a handful of wonderful blogs. These women I read about... in my eyes, they do it all! Their blog has a wonderful design, they always have fascinating photographs (taken by them!) woven into an insightful or simply charming post.

I fumble my way through, trying to design my blog just perfect. It never is what I want. I simply don't know how to create what I want. My pictures are always less then what I want and I don't know how to get a nice border around them. I feel like it takes forever to upload the pictures AND thoughtfully write. I enjoy blogging, but I have a standard in my head I simply cannot meet.

I do this to myself in my life. My house does not look the way I want it to. My clothes are not what I want them to be. I do not have the friends or talent or time I want. On and on and on... anyone else ride this downward spiral?

The point is: I have been feeling this way the past few days. I have felt this way before. Today, I was reading some of my favorite posts and God, I know it was Him, lead me to this post that hit me so close and brought me so much comfort. If you ever feel inadequate in any facet of your life - read this!

I hope it helps you as it has helped me to at least have a vision of how to approach blogging, and life in general. God has not appointed me to be owner of a popular, perfect, updated-every-day blog. At least not now. But I am a wife and mother, daughter and friend. I am me.

You will see me fumble around here more, trying to make it more of what I want. More me. I hope to create something I can let be so I am simply write and post as is comes to me, happy with the display it comes in. I don't think God wants me to stop, or to not try new things. But He wants me to do it joyfully, as myself, and not trying to be someone or something I am not.

I will try to be more ME and worry less about what my 2 or 3 readers think! Bear with me, love me, and pray for me! This is not somewhere fancy, but it is real.