Humor Me?

This pregnancy has made quite and adjustment to my schedule. This adjustment may, or may not, have included complaining. The thing is, any adjustment is hard, especially one that comes so quickly. I was getting up at 5:00 each morning in order to have plenty of time to read, write, reflect… simply charge my soul for the day. I spent each nap time doing the same, as well as working on projects and doing school with my daughter. All of that is gone.

I am blessed to be able to get up about an hour before the kids (if one doesn’t wake up early) and at least say my prayers, get dressed, and gather myself. But that’s only if I go to bed on time, and that can be rare. Nap time is now my nap time and includes a sluggish hour or so afterwards (although a glass of kombucha does clear that right up!). And although I am getting all this rest, I still feel tired all day long.

Okay, I’m exaggerating a little. I usually feel a little perky in the morning. And as my first trimester is coming up to a close here soon, I am feeling a little better here and there.

I don’t mean to complain. I have it great, really. Hardly any nausea or other symptoms. I’m just being honest. This fatigue has completely changed my life, and that’s an adjustment, and all adjustments take time to get used to. That’s all. And I’m getting there.

Sunday I was moaning (in my head) about the tiredness as a lay in bed after my nap, but unable to get up yet. And then I thought, “Hey, I’m making a baby here! I’m making art.” I realized that all this rest was not “doing nothing” but allowing for the miracle to take place in my womb. I thought about all the cells dividing and growing and how much happens in the first trimester – brain, other organs, skin, bones. That’s no little task. Just because I’m not mentally participating, does not mean that I’m not involved. God is doing the work, but I’m participating by allowing it to happen in a non-taxing way. I’m giving my body the rest and time it needs to do the work God has put forth. This new mindset has helped a lot.

Doesn’t mean I’m going to just lay around the rest of the pregnancy though. I means I’m going to listen to my body and give it what it needs. And that includes exercise. I had been toying with the idea of jogging again, but the timing never seemed right. Now it is. This week I’ve been doing a walk/jog for a whopping ten minutes a morning! It’s been hard, and it feels great. My love for running has been revived. Wait. Did I just say love? Yes, I did. I never admitted it last winter when I was running a lot then, but I do love running, and especially outside. Out here, I have plenty of space to run.

I say all this to simply express my thoughts on the current state of this pregnancy and my life. Thanks for humoring me. :)

 

Ready and Waiting... Part 2

A week later, and still waiting... I was feeling pretty discouraged last night and stressed about the timing. But God, in His graciousness, gave me a peace. And not just an unexplainable peace, but also some rationalization, which He knows I need. So I am feeling better, but I still have moments when I think, "I wish this would just happen already!" Then I try to think, "I trust You Lord. Help me to enjoy the time."

For, really, there's no rush. Coach is home a lot, so he helps with Sweet Girl if I need a break (which I do often!). He goes up and down the stairs putting the laundry in the washer or dryer and brings it back up again. He does the dishes. He rubs my feet at night. It's great to spend so much time with him!

And Sweet Girl... it was her birthday yesterday and we celebrated by having some friends over in the morning and going to the park (her favorite) in the evening. So besides trying to enjoy my time with them, here and now, I am trying to just keep going as if I wasn't waiting for something big to happen any moment.

I started another book, Little Women.  I read it in junior high, but I don't remember much of it at all. I didn't start a book for a couple days because I was "sure" I wouldn't have time to finish it. But, obviously, I've had more time than I thought and reading is so relaxing (and distracting!).

I started a year-long "research project". Basically I want to learn more about real food and traditional ways of preparing it. Next I want to plan ways to implement all I learn into our lives. The goal is at the end of the year to have a timeline of changes to slowly make in regards to what food I buy and how I prepare it. I have eleven goals (so far) of things I want to learn or plan during this time. I hope to have this as my sole focus for the short times I get to myself. We'll see how it goes. I was planning on starting a month or two after the baby's born, but since I had extra time on my hands, I went ahead and made my goals and I'll do what I can until then.

Mostly I will do my research online. To organize all the information I find, without writing a ton of notes, I downloaded the program Evernote. I heard about it awhile ago here, but since we were using Coach's work laptop, I didn't want to download it on there. Now we have a new computer (which I love!), so I did it. I think it will be very handy and I'm really excited.

That brings me to thoughts about this blog. I'm not sure what I'll want to do here after the dust settles with the baby. It might be a random, when-I-have-thoughts-blog again. After all, I'm sure I'll have much less time. But maybe I'll want to do something structured again, just not as much. Maybe I will want to share all I'm learning in my research project. I would like some opinion from my few readers (I knew there are a couple out there...). At least so I can give it some consideration. I do enjoy blogging, but it does take time and effort. I may not miss it so much once I'm busier... Just not sure what direction I'll go.

Please keep us in your prayers during this time! It's certainly a trial of patience and trust.

Ready and Waiting

My bag is packed. It has been packed. And so is Sweet Girl's, who will stay at  my parents' when the awaited time comes. The massive to-do list is done. We're just waiting.

Although my emotions have fluctuated the past couple weeks, I feel my body has been gearing up and has been ready. And although my emotions are settling down, impatience lingers.

I feel like I have been "nesting," as they call it, this week. Mainly in the kitchen. I really want there to be food to eat (especially easy snacking). Tuesday at the store I stocked up on things and organized the freezer and cabinets in order to make room. Thursday I made pretzel bites for snacking (an idea I got from a friend), cut up carrots and celery, and cleaned and organized the refrigerator (which has been on the list for about a month). Today I cleaned the sink and Sweet Girl's chair and mopped. (All things I try to do weekly, but don't always get done.)

And so I feel the time is coming. But I've felt that way for a couple weeks now. I don't know how long my body is going to gear up before it actually starts the real process. And so I'm waiting.

I just finished my first Wendell Berry book. I've long wanted to read his works since several people I admire refer to him often and read his books. And so I read Hannah Coulter. It's a fictional book where Hannah reflects on her almost fully lived life of being a farmer's wife and mother (to put it simply). The farm life and community described in the book struck a cord of longing with me.

And now my mind is "nesting" with ideas of the future. The future for my husband and me, the future of our children. And part of it is centered around food. I'm learning more about what is truly real food, looking beyond organic, and realizing I can't find most of what I need at the store. And a lot of it I can't even find locally. What I can find, I can't afford.

Yet, as we gave thanks for our food this evening, I was reminded to be thankful for food at all, even if it isn't as nutritious as it could be. And I was reminded that, although we have a responsibility to care for our bodies as best we can, our spiritual health is what is most important. I have hope that in the future we can provide our food for ourselves more, or get it from friends and neighbors. But mostly I have a hope that I can instill a balance in my children - to seek good health, enjoyment, and a quality life - but more importantly to seek Christ in all, putting Him above everything else.

So these are my thoughts today as I wait.

Growth and Lists

Swollen hands: check

Swollen feet: when I'm hot

Big belly: double check

After a week of traveling (as in driving every day!) and then a string of events at home, things are finally settling down. Although, it won't stay that way for long. I'm almost 37 weeks (considered full-term) so really, the baby could come at any time. He's really growing.

He's not the only one growing around here (and I'm not referring to my body...). I feel awed and blessed at how my husband has stepped things up around the home, without me having even wished he would. I'll go to dry the dishes after dinner while he washes, and he tells me to go sit down. I don't even pretend to object. Last night he did the mopping, before I got off the couch to do it. He'll randomly rub my feet and even my back. He's making sure I drink my water. It is so different than last time I was pregnant when one night I had to tell him, "You know, pretty soon I'm not going to be able to do ____ (it was something simple an adult can do for themselves) for you!" And when our daughter came, he surely did step it up. So much so that I fell madly in love all over again. But this time, he's ahead of the game and I am falling deeper in love. It's amazing to see the growth and maturity in him, not only as a husband, but as a wonderful father.

Sweet Girl is growing too. So much. She's singing now! First song: Ring Around the Rosies. Second: Happy Birthday. Third: an adapted line from a song I made up for her. Now, she's only singing the first line over and over, but it's singing! More about that third song... I sing "Oh how I love, oh how I love, oh how I love my sweet, sweet girl" (very original, I know). Yesterday I was holding her on my lap and she was hugging me over and over (yes, wonderful!) and then she sang, "Oh how I love... my Mama!" I can't tell you how that makes me feel. If you're a mama, I'm sure you can relate.

But that brings this post to me. And my growth. Or rather shrinking it feels. It's been really hard for me to sort out my emotions. I feel like my big belly is squishing my brain and heart like it's squishing my bladder and stomach and they just can't function normally. I only stay "with it" and productive through lists and lists. Remember that traveling and busi-ness I mentioned? Before that was all over, I was extremely stressed by these lists. And I knew that I needed to trust God. Not trust Him that I would get everything done before the baby comes (and that labor would be smooth and fast, baby would be healthy and nurse great, and all those other things I was worried about), but to simply trust Him that everything would be okay regardless of the state of my to do lists, or body, or baby. But I just couldn't.

And I didn't. Yet, because God is as gracious as He is, I felt better. I felt better because He blessed me with a calm day that was as productive as I would have liked, where Sweet Girl added an hour to her nap in which I simply relaxed, and Coach was home unexpectedly early. Things I wanted to pray for, but knew weren't the solution. Yet, He gave them because I think he knows how weak I am right now, and how hard it is to sort through trust issues and muster up spiritual strength.

After feeling nourished by some extra time, help, and a lighter checklist, I do trust Him... mostly. I still struggle. Last night I went to bed wondering what in the world I'm doing by having a baby! How did I expect to get through labor... nurse through the night... and raise another soul? I felt despondent. Partly because I was exhausted, partly because those are my fears right now. And my answer to it all came this morning in a quote that stopped me mid-cat and cowing:

"One must never, for any reason, become despondent, for we are carried in the hands of God's Providence. Our concern is to be true to the Lord." ~ St. Ignatius Brianchaninov

Our concern is to be true to the Lord. Not easy, but simple. I can digest that, even with my squished brain and heart. I am trying, trying... to move past my lists (and expectations) and simply do and be for God. My lists serve a purpose - they are tools - but they should not rule my life or my sense of worth or contentment.

And as I do so, which slowly I've been better at these past few days, I am able to relish the growth of my family and cherish them how we are now, before we change even more drastically when the baby comes. These truly are sweet days. And I thank God for reminding me of that.