thoughts on the day before Lent

I struggled with what felt like a million various things all through the service this morning. Things I couldn't even change but tried to find solutions to, judging thoughts, ungratefulness, despair. The same feelings I've been having a lot lately, just different things.

Finally it occurred to me to be grateful for these struggles, instead of wishing them away. It means I'm fighting. It means God trusts me with them, to eventually turn to Him. And as we began Forgiveness Vespers, I started to see clearer the sin in my life and the ways I fail. Yet, instead of the fists of my mind beating up my heart like usual, I felt a sense of peace... and freedom.

Yes, I sin. But it's okay. Not because it's okay to sin, but because it's not fully up to me to fix things. Yes, I have to make the first move, but it's toward God. And after that, He can work through me to help me grow, to take away my anxiety, and to "fix" the "problems" in my life by changing my perspective and my heart. I have freedom in Him.

It's like having a heavy suitcase that I'm lugging around and wishing I could lighten or that I could just be stronger or, or, or. And then comes along a strong man (think, Jesus!) and he takes it from me and carries it. Now all I have to do is follow. I am light. The responsibility of carrying the heavy load is gone.

I wish I could explain this better, and if it doesn't make sense to you, don't try. My words are failing me because I don't have to the time so sort it out better right now. I just wanted to try. And I'm sure I'll forget this tomorrow morning and each day after, but I am going to try to keep it tucked in my heart ... I am sure going to try.

Due to the distraction of trying to find time to post, I am going to take Lent off. It will be weight off for a bit. Once the weather is nicer (and we have a second car, God willing!), it will be easier to get to places with internet. Until then, I'm going to focus elsewhere.

Please forgive me a sinner! And I pray you all have a fruitful, blessed Lent! Pray for me!

With my love,
Hannah

all these things :: february 27

 

heart & soul :: I wrote in my last post how I was in desperate need of a clear schedule. I got what I wanted from Monday-Wednesday, but by yesterday, I was about to go crazy. Not because I wanted to get out, but because we were all grouchy due to interrupted sleep for all of us because of Michael’s cold. It’s really hard for me to be joyful and patient when I’m tired. I have been allowing myself to sleep until 7, but it’s getting harder for me to accept having less time to myself and work on some things. I’m really struggling with being okay with not making progress on my goals.

mothering :: Overall, things are going okay, really. It’s just when I feel depleted most of the time, I’m not the mother I should be. We have started doing Morning Time again, and I’ve been doing “school” with Mia again too. We were working on writing numbers, but when accidentally said “letters” she got really excited, so we did that instead. She’s doing well.

home & kitchen :: We got some curtains and a few pictures hung up on Valentine’s Day, but not much else has happened. I have a plan to do more organizing in the extra room and set out all my decorations so I can start thinking about what would look good where.  What little decorating I had done, I redid yesterday. I realized I was doing what I had done in the past (which I never really liked the results). I was putting stuff somewhere because it needed to go somewhere, not because it is what I need to make that space the way I want it. I really want to take my time. Yes, I’ll try to use what I have, but I’m not going to use something just because I have it.

growth :: I’m sure I’m learning and growing during this hard time, but it feels more like being stuck. I am reading a lot, but most of it is more entertaining, although it’s edifying also. ~ I am at least thinking about the garden, and we have a list of what we’d like to grow. I still need to make plan. I’ve been reading through The Self-Sustainable Life and How to Live It some and learning some things. Taking care of my parents’ chickens is helping me form an idea of how I want to raise chickens. We are hoping to bring the chickens to our place this spring, but we have to sit down and really calculate the cost. I sure hope we can make it work!

Looking forward to … SPRING!!! Whenever it gets here. Although, that means my husband will be working 7 days a week, 10 hour days most days, and gone on some weekends. Actually, he already has that schedule. He was gone last weekend. It’s really not that much harder doing all the childcare, and I do enjoy a little extra space here and there, but mostly I miss him and it makes me sad to have him gone so much. Also, right now with only one car, if I don’t take him in, then I am stuck until 7 or 7:30, no matter what kind of day we have… But we are working on that.

 

 

 

"state of the heart" post

My favorite view from the house. I can see my parents' house, and my favorite patch of trees (the sycamores).

Before we moved into the blue house, I envisioned life here as peaceful, slow, and collected. In knew I couldn’t be distracted by the Internet and so, all my jobs would be completed in a timely manner and I’d spend all my free time by the fire with my husband, doing crafts or projects, or reading a book. I’d go to bed at a decent time after a good day’s work.

Part of the time, life has been like this. But somehow the social calendar racked up, interfering with evening tasks and my bedtime routine. And all my free moments, while the kids are sleeping, are spent reading in order to zone out or sleeping. I am simply tired.

 

I wish I was the type of person who can host a few times a week, who can always have a hopping schedule. In my mind, this person has it SO together that she can do all these social things and have a clean home, well-fed family, and everyone well rested too. That there are people like that is probably a lie - or at least very rare. Regardless, I am not that person, as much as I wish I was. I need routine, time, space, and consistency like I need food and water. If I go too long without them I feel parched and weak.

Friends, that is where I am right now. The thought of staying at home and going nowhere, except church, for a month sounds really good right now. It’s not that I don’t love other people or want to see them, but that it drains me right now. I’ve been drained each day for two weeks straight. I need replenished.

It’s pretty unrealistic to hope to stay home so much, but I am going to be guarding our schedule. I just have to. Hopefully once spring is in full swing, I will be too.

With Lent right around the corner, I intend to be more vigilant with sticking to routine, keeping the schedule slow, and taking care of myself physically and spiritually.

How are you all doing? Are you going to slow things down for Lent?