on why loving can be hard

I hope other mamas of littles can relate. You go to put your snuggle bug down for his nap. As you nurse or rock, you love on him, cherish him, and adore his little nose. Two seconds out the door and you cringe and groan at his cry. Why? Why not just patiently step back in and rub his back a little? Or whatever it takes, lovingly.

Or your toddler whines for the first hour of the morning because she doesn't want to get dressed and she's hungry. She pesters and you pester back. And the thought of loving her in that moment is just hard.

I've been inspired lately by a couple songs: Ingrid Michaelson's "Everybody" (Everybody, everybody wants to love. Everybody, everybody wants to be loved...) and Jason Mraz' "I'm Yours" (no I won't hesitate no more, no more.... it can not wait, I'm yours). I like to listen to them on my morning jogs as I near the house. They remind me that everybody wants to love and be loved. That means my kids too. And I think, "Can't I just let go of me and be their's? Be available?" When I listen to these songs, I feel so motivated to say "I'm yours" to the world, to each person I meet. To say, "How can I help you? What are your needs?" To give up my selfish wants and ways. To simply give... of myself, my time, my energy, and my love.

But as soon as I walk in the door, all my motivation deflates. Why? Why is it so. hard. ?

As I thought about this question, I realized a few things. For one, as mamas, we give love in hard ways. We wipe bottoms, we discipline, we cook, clean, fold laundry. These are not particularly warm and fuzzy feeling inducing things (though sometimes they are). And to the ones we are continually doing these things, the love we get in return is not in the same form. Or maybe no love is returned at all. Plain and simple: being a mama is loving our children through hard work.

A couple other things that occurred to me, is that loving is hard because I am simply selfish. I want to relax, I want to listen to my music - without whining in the background. I want to be obeyed so I don't have to remind or discipline. It's all selfishness. Another thing - I try to give this agape - never ending, unconditional love - by my own strength. And that is never going to happen. That love can only channel through me from God, if I ask Him and let Him.

I feel that loving our children can be a confusing balancing act. On one hand, loving them can be something like giving them a treat or letting a chore slide, but it quickly can turn into spoiling them. Something that may feel like "sacrificial love" ("I'll pick up your toys tonight") can easily become getting walked on. It's hard to find the line between meeting one's personal needs (time to read, relax, reflect) and taking too much time or being selfish about it.

These are all hard things. Loving is hard. It's a balance act - one I can't do alone. And while I don't have the answers, I have a few practical ways I want to work on this. They are nothing new, just what I felt compelled to apply to this particular weight on my heart.

Three Ways to Work on Loving

1. Pray for love every day. At the beginning of the day and throughout, especially in difficult moments.

2. Pray for everyone. This is the easiest way to love them.

3. Look for little things to do for others. Be open to doing them. In time, this will get easier.

How is loving hard for you? Have you overcome some of these difficulties? How?

a few of my favorite things

Take a little walk with me down memory lane... 

The blouse on the left used to be a dress which I wore to my high school graduation. I turned in into a top right before my wedding and wore it on our honeymoon.

The bag was purchased at a random boutique shortly after I started my first post-college job. It was just want I needed. I used it a long time and loved it!

The third item is a blouse I bought a couple years ago when I was in dire need of a wardrobe redo. We were living in Maine at the time and one of the other baseball wives (and a good friend of mine), who has great style, went shopping with me and helped me. But, alas, grey is not one of my colors, I've since learned.

 

When I was sorting through my closet a while back, I knew these three things were underused, but I couldn't bring myself to pass them along.

 And then I had an idea... and finally, much later, I did it! 

Here is it!

 

I simply took the flowers from the grey top and stitched it to the bag. Then I sewed fabric from the other blouse over the ratty handles. It gave the bag new life! I plan to use it exclusively for my latest favorite thing: "My Day."

It's a new thing in this house. It's a day where my husband is in charge for the day and I'm free to do what I want. I got the idea from the book A Mother's Rule of Life.  I'm super happy (and blessed!) to have it!

Have you re-purposed anything lately?

another letter to my readers

I just noticed in my list of posts that this was a draft! Opps! I thought I published this a couple weeks ago... Well, here is now!

Dear faithful readers, 

You have seen many seasons in my blogging. Seasons of quiet, like lately, or a season or two of steady entries - maybe even a noisy season. The truth is, I was not sure what the balance was - for me or this space. The past couple months I have been doing a lot of thinking and praying about this space. I feel ready to make it a consistent part of my life.

There was a hurdle I needed to (and still need to at times) get over: the why. Why write on a screen, usually not knowing if people even read it? And if people do, what they thought and if it benefited them. I tried just not writing; I still wanted to write. I tried writing but not sharing; I still wanted to share. The closest answer I found was this: “Typically, when beauty delights the soul, a person seeks to share the experience. One desires an outlet to communion, someone to share the vision.” (The Feast of Friendship by Paul D. O’Callaghan) The author goes on to explain that by sharing, we form friendships. I love friendship, and I need friends. And I love to write. This blog is a place for me to share the beauty, joy, and delight I find in life in order that others may share in that experience.

After I came to terms with that, the question remained, “What, exactly, do I write about?” You and I don’t have the time for all that goes through my head! I needed focus. And so I realized that what I really want to share is the way I’m growing in my various roles: wife, mother, homemaker, daughter of God, and woman. And I made a plan. 

I’m sure the plan will change here and there, but my goal is to only write about something if fits into these four categories: natural living, food, homemaking, and life.  I realize those are pretty broad, but it does narrow it down some and gives me some focus. I also hope to regularly share some links I find helpful. Because really, everyone else says everything so much better! Overall, I want to try and have something to share once a week. Maybe one or two extra a month. We’ll see! 

As I thought about all these things, ultimately I had to come to terms with a few things. One, I am a writer (and I totally paused before I wrote that because I barely believe it). Whether or not there’s any talent, the fact remains that I enjoy writing. I love it. I need it. And if that’s the definition, then I fit it. Two, I cannot write for affirmation or to please anyone. If I do, then it won’t be genuine. I will admit, I don’t know what my “style” of writing is yet, if I even have one. So, the way I write might change here and there. Which brings me back to you, dear readers... As I grow in this space, as a writer, as a woman, will you give me grace when I stumble? And will you give me a cheer when something blesses you?  I really don’t know what I’m doing, but I feel called to do it. Thank you for joining me.

Love Always,

Hannah

PS I'm also working on the look of the blog, so please be patient while it's changing looks here and there!