We were eating tacos when he told me. Our home would be
here, in this town, unless God led us away. He wouldn’t look for a job elsewhere.
He was putting aside pursuing a “career”. We would build our lives here.
And I got chills and teared up when I told my girlfriends –
all gathered around my living room. And I was so grateful.
The next step for me, naturally, was to start thinking about
our “permanent” home. (I put that in parentheses because one can never know for
sure.) What layout do I want? How many bedrooms? Bathrooms? And on and on. It’s
something I’ve thought about before – and often. Too often.
In fact, years ago I started collecting pictures from
magazines (was I even married?). Pictures of houses and kitchens and living
rooms. About a year ago I started a folder with paper for us (me, really) to
write thoughts on each room and aspect of a home. So we would know what we
wanted when the time came.
And it feels as if the time has come. We know we want to be
in this location, we want to give the baby his own room, and I want chickens
already! We want to own, to have land, to really settle down.
But the time has not come – as far as I can tell. We are committed
to buying debt-free, but our savings are very small when you think about buying
a house. And though we are still saving, it’s going to be a long time
before we can buy (or build, which is my dream).
And though I know this, my mind still works to create this
future homestead. I’m starting to lean towards a smaller home, with small
bedrooms, but a big living room. A smaller porch, but a big deck. I’m seeing
that my wants are changing. I feel like I know what I’ll want, and what our
needs will be like, in ten years, but do I? And I pray it doesn’t take us ten
years… but it might.
Last night I noticed the five or six binders under my desk
and thought, “What ‘s even in those?” Do I really need them?” And I remembered
all those pictures tucked away, and thought of the folder taking up room in my
drawer. What do I have all that stuff? I couldn’t even remember one of those
pictures. Why do I cling to them? What good is it – and can I let go?
And so I feel as if I am at a crossroads – not with the
location of my home, but in my head and in my heart. Can I let go of these
long-time hopes – dreams of the perfect home? Can I let go of my desire to have
a house – to own – “right now!”? Can
I simply trust God in His timing, lay it down, and wait patiently on Him?
I’m sure going to try. And I took a first step today. All
those pictures and thoughts are in the recycling bag. When I told my husband,
he stopped in his tracks and said “Really?!?” It’s that big of a deal to me.
What is something you are struggling to let go of?
