I struggled with what felt like a million various things all through the service this morning. Things I couldn't even change but tried to find solutions to, judging thoughts, ungratefulness, despair. The same feelings I've been having a lot lately, just different things.
Finally it occurred to me to be grateful for these struggles, instead of wishing them away. It means I'm fighting. It means God trusts me with them, to eventually turn to Him. And as we began Forgiveness Vespers, I started to see clearer the sin in my life and the ways I fail. Yet, instead of the fists of my mind beating up my heart like usual, I felt a sense of peace... and freedom.
Yes, I sin. But it's okay. Not because it's okay to sin, but because it's not fully up to me to fix things. Yes, I have to make the first move, but it's toward God. And after that, He can work through me to help me grow, to take away my anxiety, and to "fix" the "problems" in my life by changing my perspective and my heart. I have freedom in Him.
It's like having a heavy suitcase that I'm lugging around and wishing I could lighten or that I could just be stronger or, or, or. And then comes along a strong man (think, Jesus!) and he takes it from me and carries it. Now all I have to do is follow. I am light. The responsibility of carrying the heavy load is gone.
I wish I could explain this better, and if it doesn't make sense to you, don't try. My words are failing me because I don't have to the time so sort it out better right now. I just wanted to try. And I'm sure I'll forget this tomorrow morning and each day after, but I am going to try to keep it tucked in my heart ... I am sure going to try.
Due to the distraction of trying to find time to post, I am going to take Lent off. It will be weight off for a bit. Once the weather is nicer (and we have a second car, God willing!), it will be easier to get to places with internet. Until then, I'm going to focus elsewhere.
Please forgive me a sinner! And I pray you all have a fruitful, blessed Lent! Pray for me!
With my love,
Hannah
